Before I came to Shepherd’s Call, I knew part of my heart was not open to the Lord because I was afraid that the pain from my childhood would surface. I heard the Lord asking me, “What do you really want from Me?” I committed myself to this, “I want to be free!”
In talking with Penny, I made astounding discoveries about why I do things and what is wrong with that. I had never realized how much shame I carried about a mistake or if my husband corrected me – I was so sensitive. I realized the pain in my heart was from the shame that started as a child from my mother’s mental illness. I felt ashamed because of my own physical illness that started at age 35. Now I don’t shame myself. That is such freedom! What a big weight off my shoulders.
Learning to hear God and finding my worth in Him has made all the difference. Now I can speak up without fearing something terrible will happen. My relationships are all changing for the better. It takes a trial before you open your heart more, to see the patterns you repeat and find out you can do something different. It’s like you’re under a spell, like Narnia in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. You break the spell and say, “Hey, I don’t have to live that way again. All these things I’ve tried to be, live under, the role in my family, I don’t have to live it out!”
In my circumstances, the more I seek Him and praise Him in my difficulties, the more my fleshly defenses are torn down and I am free of their domination. If you are listening, He’ll lead you where you need to go. In the past, I wasn’t surrendering my whole heart, but now I feel I can.
Our marriage has been transformed, and I am very excited. We have never been in this place before, ever. I have never felt like we have had a close marriage and have always wondered what the problem was. Recently as my husband shared something with me that was important to him, I noticed how cold and hard my heart was toward him. I sensed an impenetrable emotional wall that was up toward him and wondered how it ever got there. I wanted a better marriage. I didn't know if that was even possible but was ready to do whatever it took to see my marriage improve.
I learned that the wall was up because of hurts in past relationships and that I withdrew from others because I felt misunderstood. The Lord has revealed the truth to me about these issues, and my marriage was almost instantly changed for the better. As I have opened up, my husband is happier because he feels more valued now and as a result he is helping more with everything. I have a new hope for other changes in my life in the near future as a result of what the Lord has done.